martes, 9 de julio de 2013

Ya'll say with me: D E P R E S S I O N!

28 de Julio de 2012
What the hell is this sh**!
Why nobody tells you the truth about depression? Why does everyone gets so excited about the new baby and all the sh** load of diapers that you would need to change, all the vomited clothes, the sore bleeding nipples, the pain, the regret?

Well, my post partum depression lasted me about 2 and a half years. It was all down hill from the excitement untill the past came alive whenever the child splurged into a screeching yell of "happiness". I could not stand my life!!


I wanted to get out of there and hide under the biggest bottle of beer or joint I could find. To have a thousand red Marlboro packs at my dispossal and delight. But of course, to comply with my fantasies was to ride the suicidal wave of self absortion and pitty. I was tought differently. My parents always told me to stand up, be responsible for my decisions. But they mentioned lightly the hardship of becoming a parent in a money slaving society. After the desperation, the hating of myself portrayed onto my husband and son, even the dog got in my nerves, a blade had become the most trusted companion.

Anything sharp enough would do the trick. Every time I needed confort, every time I needed to let go of my self, I put the knife onto the flesh and press hard till some blood came out. It was August 20, 2011 when my husband cought me after a huge fight we had, making "dots" on the flesh of my left wrist. I was in the pit.

Depression is a horrible estate of being. Your mind will play tricks on you without you or the nearest to you even noticing. It is a slow tearing disease that needs to be attended and not taken for granted. It could be easily disguised or mistaken for different symptoms other than depression.

If I am writting this today is because I got help. My support system (thank God) was remarkable. The dearest most compassionate and patient husband I could ever wish for stayed to see my recovery. My beautiful son has increasingly become happier since I got better. Of course, my two doctors of whom I am very greatful for their care and knowledge of this type of situations, helped me too. But the person I am most proud of is myself, because I did not become one more suicidal statistic, because I remembered my parents wisdom and I remembered that I am the only one capable of change.

Today I live a happy motherhood. I have understood that the only purpose in life is to be happy. Yoga and a better healthier lifestyle has contributed to my change. My friends and co-workers to whom I am greatful for are the best.

I cannot express enough the joy I am experiencing. It did not happen magicaly over night, therapy and a true will to see life with a different perspective, does help a lot!

So as of today, almost four years after my son was born I still sometimes struggle, and my battles with myself wanting to be perfect at everything do not affect me as much as they use to. I have learn that perfection is a process, not a goal. I have never felt more close to my loved ones, I have learn to be more tolerant and accept those things I cannot change.

Life is worth living once again.

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